My first day of school is tomorrow, Wednesday. So you will have to pardon me if this column is short and sweet. Or short anyways. In the interim, I have been lesson planning and room decorating my little tushy off. I will be teaching white kids--40% of the school population--for the first time in my young teaching career (out of the 120 odd students I've had thus far between student teaching and summer school, I have had only one white kid, and he lived in a group home). I hope they like me. I will keep you abreast.

Cougars

"Some people can't just quit shit; I can. Which is cool, because it frees me up to do drugs."
--Anonymous Friend

See, I protect the rights of the innocent and funny.

I can't believe that there are still people out there that try to dress up like they are in The Matrix. That shit was really goofy like 5 years ago; now it is just sad dude. Trenchcoats, particularly in California, are just not a good look. And you should always be careful not to wear too much leather--for me, personally, too much leather would be any leather above the ankles.

Amy was telling me about how she'd bought a banana at the market and when she went to eat it, she noticed a nontraditional sticker on it (aka not the whole Dole/Chiquita/Del Monte thing). It was an advertisement for some random product. This got the wheels turning, and I was thinking that we should start going into markets and start doing some Guerrilla Warfare advertising campaign shit, putting stickers for our product on all the produce. Hell, maybe we should even think bigger and go for the canned goods--they do have longer shelf lives...Anyways, the biggest problem of course is that we don’t technically have a product to market. Perhaps we are still in the "Developmental Phase."

I love me a cloth napkin as much as the next guy. The thing is, however, that I really would prefer to have 2 napkins; one for my lap, and one to use for my face and hands. Whenever I pick the napkin up off of my lap to wipe my face, I always end up flipping the napkin upside down when I set it back on my lap. Do you know what I mean? So that the dirty side (that I just made dirty) is now facing my clothes, which is dumb cuz the whole reason to have a napkin on your lap is to keep your clothes clean. But I feel like the post-face-wiping-replacing-the-napkin-on-the-lap motion is much easier and smoother with the aforementioned flipover than to have to throw it over my lap again like a blanket at the beach with the wind not helping every time that I wipe my face.

Well it makes sense to me.

You know what we haven’t done in like 5 years? Cruise for hookers. Man, that was good times. Remember when Niko drove us down the wrong way of a one-way street in the Loin cuz we were so focused? Good times...

The Office Quote 1: "We're very different. He used humor where I use discipline. And I learned that nobody respected him. And in a war situation, if you want your platoon to go over the top with you into certain death, it is no good saying to them, 'Please come with me lads, I'll tell you a joke.' It is a direct order: 'Come with me.' And they will go, 'Yes. He's got good leadership skills. Let's all go with him to our certain death.' And also, if you are laughing in the jungle, you are going to give away your position to the enemy."
--Gareth

The Office Quote 2: "You know the reason why men are attracted to cleavage? It is because it reminds us of women's buttocks. Because, I suppose, presumably, when we were cavemen we used to do you from behind. So...we liked that. Then we evolved, and changed you over when language came in, to either chat, or just to look at the breasts that reminded us of your buttocks in the first place."
--David

Would a good pick up line at a bar be to go up to some girl and be like, "My friend thinks you're fat, but I don’t."

I gotta say, I have never been a huge fan of freezing Snickers bars. I know that some people love that shit, but it has always been weaksauce to me. Too rock-fucking-hard; makes me feel like I am about to break teeth. Now the Snickers Ice Cream Bar on the other hand...that is a bad motherfucker. Those things are so god damn good; I get really pumped for them. Yum.

You know what would be chill as hell? Bacon-flavored mayonnaise. Hot damn, sign me up.

The-Most-Recent-Pathetic-Marketing-Technique-Sweeping-the-Nation: Employee Pricing. I can't believe that shit. Everyone is doing it. Some are even offering savings beyond employee discount pricing. That is just madness. As consumers, how the fuck is the American public persuaded by Employee Pricing? Is the public that fucking dumb and naive? Do people really think, "Man, I gotta go get me a new Ford truck this weekend. I can't believe that I will be able to get it for the same price as the guys that work at the dealership. Bitchin!" Cock.

I made mix CDs for all my summer school childrens (Mr. Ross rocks (oi, get it?)) and included the names of the bands on the CDs of course, and when I passed them out, I told the students that they could email me if they loved any of the bands and wanted me to burn them a whole CD of it. I got an email from this one girl who asked me if I could burn her a CD. So I am thinking, "cool." But then she wants me to burn her JC Chasez, who apparently is the unsuccessful black sheep of either NKOTB or NSYNC. Hot damn that was funny. Obviously JC Chasez wasn’t on the mix CD. This girl figured that since I offered to burn music for kids, that I must just have every album ever made at my fingertips. If you know kids at all, it is this...this...I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but it is like an innocent naivety that...that...well, I don’t know. But it does.

"You're best? Losers always say that they will give it their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen."
--Sean Connery, The Rock.

The worst series of commercials have got to be the Carl's Jr. commercials. All those gross ones of fat guys eating with their mouths open, slurping soda and shit. The ones of hot-chicks-stuffing-their-faces. Not to mention the products themselves; who wants a shitload of gross ass fast-food meat? A half-pound of it? Nasty. Now they have the dumbest commercial about how a chicken can't do taxes and can't clean your room and all this other stupid shit. According to them, a chicken is only good for making ground up, reformatted fried chicken strips. Haven't those dildos ever heard of scrambled eggs?

Oi, Moon Over My Hammy.

Snuff=Dried brown tobacco that you snort up your nose and that makes you sneeze? What am I missing here? That sounds so fucking disgusting. And I am a huge proponent of tobacco and all, but that is just gross. Imagine the boogers you would get from that shit...

I've always had this theory that the vast majority of girls could be classified, based on looks/gait/visible attitude, into one of 5 kinds of animal looks. Some look like rats/mice, some look like frogs, some look like bunnies (Tina Yothers syndrome), some look like cats (kitten), and some--unfortunately--look like dogs. Some look like horses, if you know what I mean. Some even have squirrelly eyes. And when women get too much plastic surgery, they end up looking like an entirely different kind of animal--like some crazy tiger bitch or something.

Electric guitar hangs to my knees
A couple of verses I can barely breathe
--And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead

I never get over how sickass of a name that is. Rock the fuck out. And I will capitalize the words that aren’t supposed to be capitalized if I want to.

While I am referencing...

I know how the best will fall
And the rest will follow
--TOD

This week's That Guy is most recognizable as Genghis Kahn. Plus he has a cool nickname--his name is Al Leong--which is "Al Ka Bong." Even though it is not listed as one of his TV credits, Ken and I met him when I was a very young Mr. Justin when they were filming an episode of Hardcastle and McCormick down the street from my house and he was a bad guy who was staking out their kit car. So I got that going for me, which is nice. Note how this second picture of him looks like something a friend took for him for an online dating service. I enjoy trucks, pushups, and hard nipples (mine or yours).

Amongst many others, he is featured in (including stunt work):
The Replacement Killers
Escape from LA
Beverly Hills Cop 3
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
They Live
Die Hard
Action Jackson
Lethal Weapon
Big Trouble in Little China
My Science Project (One of my favorite movies as a kid, even though nobody else on earth has ever seen it, and everyone always thinks I am referring to Weird Science, which I am not)
Twilight Zone: The Movie
Black Rain
The Golden Child
24, That 70s Show, TJ Hooker, Hart to Hart, Magnum PI, The A Team, The Fall Guy, and of course, Hardcastle and McCormick.

by Justin
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