Post-Bar-(2:00 AM)-Cross-Geographical-Intrastate-Gastronomical-Introspective-Moment: If you are on 24th Street in The Mission then at 2:00 AM you get burritos or suizas. If you are on 16th Street in The Mission then at 2 AM you get pizza. If you are in the Eastbay at 2:00 AM then you have to go home and make grilled cheese. If you are in LA at 2:00 AM then you get to eat a Double Double and Animal Style French Fries.

Fat chicks that cover up their tummies at the beach/in porn by hiking their skirt up or wearing sashes or something (historic moment--the first time I ever wrote "sashes" in my life, I think). It's like big girls that wear big old platform shoes or raised flip flops. We all know what you are doing.

You know what is kind of strange? That we don't capitalize the names of animals. Like, salmon should be Salmon, cows should be Cows, and etc...Perhaps we should be showing more respect for those tasty little critters.

I will give you one guess which one of my friends said that they like a nice turkey burger with black bean salsa.

One thing that I have always wondered about is if you have a CD that skips a bit on a marginal CD player, like a car CD player, but you make a copy of it on a computer that is able to read the tracks without skipping, can you then play the new copy of the CD on the marginal CD player (on which the original CD skipped) and have the copy play perfectly? Time for a science experiment.

Inspired by my night at Dodger Stadium: Instead of the "kiss me cam" at sporting events, they should have the "can cam" where people are encouraged to show their boobs on the jumbotron (oi, New Orleans style). If you wanna incorporate the "kiss me cam" into the "can cam," that would be easy enough. You could just have it be called the "kiss her cans cam" and the girl is supposed to show her cans and then the guy is supposed to kiss them. Problem solved. And if you don’t think that would be a boon for attendance at the local ballgame, forget about it.

Who would win in a fight: Marina girls or Hollywood girls? Hollywood girls have bigger, faker boobs and sluttier, more expensive outfits, but Marina girls has a better ring to it and are much more down to earth (there is a dependent clause I never thought I would write. Hey, it's all relative).

Speaking of, I heart trying to point out people in a crowd to a friend as "the one with the dumb look on their face."

I have taken a couple of trips to Target lately, and the one thing that has really been freaking me out a bit is that I feel like there were a lot of hot chicks there each time I went. Like, a lot. My schema for Target is that it was the place where the girls who mailed it in in high school would go to get their sweats and their boy's boxers to wear to school (ew). But this is not the Target of my childhood. Either that or I am just getting increasingly hornier. It could be a combo. Or it could be my unconscious, heavily affected by Target's brilliant incorporation of Freud's theory on vagina symbolism in their marketing strategy. Maybe I should just start hanging out at the condoms section looking for loose girls...I mean, party girls.

Syllogistically Speaking (of course): If green beans are vegetables and other beans are vegetables, then do refried beans count as a vegetable serving? That would be so chill.

I love how at 10:00 at night the sidewalk in my mom's backyard is still warm on my feet from holding and absorbing a day's worth of hot LA sun.

Maya gets upset about how parents with kids in strollers cross the street. She thinks parents with strollers should back out into the street rather than putting the stroller out first. This makes a lot of sense; wouldn't it be safer for you to test the water first? A kid in a stroller isn't going to have much of a reaction time when a car is coming. To make it a train analogy, the adult should be the engine, not the caboose.

My kids call me the boss (Ross Boss), but if you wanna see a real boss, you should roll down to Pomona where my Uncle Robert is a judge--a real boss. Fools call him your honor and don't even sit down until he tells them to. In 2 separate incidents, he even told someone to go sue someone else and had a lady admit to him that she got dissed by Larry H Parker--though I would have clowned on her for it more than he did (I guess that's why he's > boss than me—restraint, tact, editing the out loud voice...ok, perhaps it is just part of why...).

We all have our own ways to deal with a hangover. I always try to take an Advil before I go to sleep. Certainly more Advil in the morning. Coffee does a great service. So does Coca Cola. A shower helps quite a bit as well. The ultimate cure, however limited it is by personal geography, is to jump in the ocean. That shit is the cure all. It feels sooooooo good. And yes, I have been to the beach like every other day...

I was talking to Sara and she said she was trying to use "bid words tonight." As you may be able to infer, she didn't achieve overwhelming success.

Probably only I think this is funny (and maybe ma too): I've really been enjoying some R and R and RR in LA.

RR officially moved out of his place in Placentia (oi, don’t think I don’t call it placenta to prove that I still have the maturity of a 5 year old, cuz I do...call it placenta) yesterday, finished cleaning and everything. When he got to ma's house, he was all, "I'm mush." It was funny. Merits mentioning that he is going to be leaving sunny Southern California and moving to Columbus to go to The Ohio State. Merits mentioning that the most I know about The Ohio State is that when the pro football players introduce themselves on televised games, the ones that went to The Ohio State say, "The Ohio State as their college, so I taught RR that he has to say The Ohio State as well, so that he can blend in. Hey, that's what big brothers are for.

You know I love RR more than anyone, but I just have to make fun of him for talking like a retarded 7 year old girl every time he comes back to Culver City after spending time down in The OC (bitch) with his lady. It's like babytalk on steroids. He like calls the cats "pretty princess" and stuff, and in this really squeaky, bizarre, geek voice. For a guy who is normally quite the baritone, it is really saying something. I'm totally down with his lady and all, but he seriously needs an estrogen detox or something after his sessions with her.

Do you ever have a fart that smells so awful, and whilst you just laid this death bomb, your brother is off picking up Tommy's chiliburgers for you? You just know it is gonna be a tough day.

Dun nuh nuh nuh nuh...There goes the neighborhood.

I was drunk at a bar and I was talking to this girl who was wearing a camouflage t-shirt and I told her I couldn’t see her boobs. I thought that it was really funny. I think she was slightly less entertained. She was dumb.

I was at Bed, Bath, and Beyond with my ma, who was buying me a new down comforter (thanks ma), and I accidentally sort of whacked her with it at the checkout station. I was all, "Oooh, sorry ma." She was all, "Didn't hurt...very soft." Good one ma.

My Poppi, who is 89 years old, still works part time, takes walks in the morning and does pushups. Badass. We were talking about pets and my Nana said that she isn't that big of a fan of cats; she likes dogs more. Poppi said, "I've been loving cats for 64 years." Ross men...

When we were coming out to the parking lot after lunch, there was this old school car parked in the lot, like 1930s style, and this little kid was all close looking at it. Poppi walked over to the kid (and thus, the car), and said, "Get away from my car." Then he laughed and said, "Just kidding." It was funny.

Daniel Handler said: "It was so windy that the trash on the street was running red lights and stop signs."

This week's that guy is a man small in stature and online pictures, but large in IMDB credits (215 total, including a ton of voice work). He gets bonus points since he looks like he could be Ernest P Worrell's dad, or brother, or whatever.

Film:
Terminator 1, 2, and 3
The Dentist
Nutty Professor 2 (A celluloid classic, I know)
Naked Gun 33 1/3
Marked for Death (What has 4 arms and 2 heads (motherfucker)?*)
Alien Nation
The Man with Two Brains
Airplane II: The Sequel
9 to 5
Chopper Chicks in Zombietown (Video release title: Cycle Sluts)

Granted, that is not an overwhelming list of gold star movies, but check out the TV work he's done (it is the most impressive I have ever seen. (FOR) EV ER):
X-Men Legends
The Practice
Family Law (The one with Shooter McGavin)
The West Wing
Spiderman (New)
The New Batman Adventures
California Dreams (Fake ass Saved by the Bell. Merits mentioning that he played the Mr. Belding role)
Animaniacs
Lois and Clark (Mmmm, Terri Hatcher before whatever the hell Howie Long did to her)
LA Law
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The Golden Girls
Get a Life
Herman's Head
Family Matters
The Wonder Years
Seinfeld
Matlock (Old people show)
Tales from the Crypt
Perry Mason (Old people show)
Life Goes On
Baywatch
Murder She Wrote (Old people show)
30Something
Mama's Family
ALF
Who's the Boss
Hill Street Blues
Punky Brewster
What's Happening Now
Growing Pains
Remington Steele
Newhart (Old people show, but he would get his ass kicked by any of the other 3--I guess)
Streethawk (Bitch)
Family Ties
Night Court
St. Elsewhere
Benson
Three's Company (Just an awful show that we all watched as kids)
Too Close for Comfort (Bu bu bu bu buy Bushwood, yooooooouuu?)
M*A*S*H*
The Dukes of Hazard
Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (< Battlestar Gallactica)
The Jeffersons
Wonderwoman (Hottest chick on TV (FOR) EV ER)
Hawaii Five-O
Kojak
What's Happening
The Jetson's

*Screwface

by Justin
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