Week 2 of teaching middle class kids is in the books. I gotta tell you, it is a different sort of thing. The kids are used to really old teachers who lecture their butts off, and I am used to kids that know more slang than I do (or at least a comparable amount). So we are adjusting to each other.

Class distinction amongst high school campuses seems to be as simple a question as: Do all the students have Discmans or IPODs?

You know what is stupid? When lifeguards (who are only a small step behind firefighters on the "girls-swoon-cheese-factor") walk up the lifeguard tower ramps backwards? Why the fuck do they do that? Don’t tell me that it is so that they can always keep their eyes on the water, cuz we all know they spend half their time chickenhawking on the girls on the beach with their binoculars--if not downright on the sand chatting them up.

Am I the only person on earth who, when they see Jason Alexander on TV, thinks of him first and foremost as Stubby--the obnoxious slimey lawyer from Pretty Woman--rather than George Costanza?

Living in Santa Cruz, between the bums, the hippies, and the friends, I have already given out a lifetime supply of cigarettes. I always refuse people these days. Then, the other night walking home, I recognized a recent pattern; I realized that the one time that I still do give out cigarettes--and in this instance only to bums--is when I personally am feeling so sad and miserable that I imagine how hard it would be for me to not have a cigarette at that moment.

There are 2 days that the Holocaust Museum is closed. One makes total sense, Yom Kippur; the other makes none at all, Christmas. What's up with that? Is it cuz everyone goes to Disneyland that day?

I'd like to issue heartfelt congratulations to the winners of the Trivial Pursuit night, the English Teachers. In addition to being the drunkest team by quite a bit, Chris and I were also the best team.

Jenn invited new people over to play the game (her and Michelle got honorable mention runner up second place second best), and I was my usual loud, obnoxious self, and she said (in front of them, probably an appeal for mercy), "Don’t you want them to like you?" Then I got to say: "I'M NOT HERE TO BE LIKED." Good times...

And of course, as I was told there would be, there was guacamole.

In case I didn’t mention it, Jenn and Michelle's team came in second place. Right behind me and Chris. Hey Michelle, how does my butt smell from back there?

Just kidding.

Except for the fact that we really did beat them though. That's not kidding. We were first; they were second.

Am I the only one who actively looks for, and gets excited when I see rats on the BART tracks? They always scurry away well before a train comes--it isn’t like I am hoping they get squished or anything...it just makes me excited to see nature in such an urban setting, or something.

I think I have combination skin.

Dude, it's like finding 15 bucks in your pocket, dude.

Upset of the Century: SnickerDoodles not only don’t have any Snickers in them, they don’t even have any fucking chocolate. Can you say "weaksauce."

They Really Exist: There actually are those obnoxious kids like in suburban high school movies that walk through the hallways of my high school kicking soccer balls. That has got to be my official new "most tackiest thing" I have seen in a while. Argh.

Do you ever get sick of how, on TV and stuff, they always call similes metaphors? Me too. Sincerely though, that always irks me. Argh

Man I fucking love to slow down when someone is tailgating me. Talk about your favorite pastimes. Then I just enjoy watching how frustrated they get in the rear view. And if they keep tailgating, before you know it, there we are, on the freeway, going 45 miles an hour. How you like that, bitch.

And can you tell me again how come people are so hesitant to use their horns? If God didn’t want us to use horns, they wouldn’t be right there in front of us on the steering wheel. And it feels so fucking good to use the horn. Sigh.

And while we are talking about the horn thing, we all have friends that don’t like to use their horns. I know that it is impolite to be sitting shotgun and lean over and hit the horn on a friend's behalf, but can we get an official ruling on how rude it is? Cuz if you have the opportunity to give another car/driver some constructive criticism about their driving and you don’t take the opportunity, aren’t you doing them a disservice too?

Sears is playing an old Steve Malkmus song on their commercials. Gooooo Sears.

I have a TIVO and I am touching it right now.

Seriously though, I finally got on board with the TIVO and it fucking rules. I watched back-to-back episodes of Magnum PI in like an hour and a half. Not to mention that the first episode featured Brenda and the second featured Carlton. You can be damn sure I was nonstop giddy as all hell.

My TIVO also features Malcolm in the Middle, The OC, One Tree Hill, and Becker. Jenn gives me hella shit for the Becker thing. I only just started watching the show a few months ago to branch out, now that I have seen every episode of The Fresh Prince at least 3 times. And who doesn’t have fond associations of Sammy May Day Malone? He's smart, funny, mean to everyone, and he smokes cigarettes. He's like a freaking role model for fuck's sake. Plus Linda is hot.

Do you ever think that you are in the middle, skillwise, even though you know that you are relatively respectable compared to most in the room? Then you realize that you are actually well on the left, and those other people in the room are really screwed. And/or dumb.

Like not being smart enough to know that you aren’t that good at something, thereby making others (me) feel like you are better when really you aren't; you're just too dumb to know it. In the end it is a self-esteem booster for me, so I can't be too mad at you. Dumbass.

Can we take a second to acknowledge that The O.C. looks like it is going to suck even more balls this year than last. That little voice inside my head is starting to make fun of me for spending my time watching it (it sounds like this: "Hey bitch. You know you could be watching reruns of Magnum on the TIVO right now."). Besides, the new annoying-drawn-out-sub-plot-that-will-be-ongoing-for-the-next-2-months with the chick that used to be on Boston Public and Kirsten is going to be just painful. She was really plasticy (lips, boobs) on Boston Public, but at least hot. It's only been like 3-4 years since Boston Public and she looks like she has aged in dog years since then. Ugh. Speaking of, I gave my Friday afternoon senior class the last 5 minutes for an in-class discussion about Thursday's season premiere episode. Sweeeeeeeeeeeet. I am such a more critical TV watcher than they are.

*Bragging rights*

One of my freshmen students, extolling her own virtues as a prolific writer, said, "It's as though I have a pen embedded in my mind." Sweeeeeeeeeeet, and stuff.

"I’m not sure what mythology is, but I think it has something to do with myths." --A Senior in my Advanced Comp/Mythology class, on her freewrite

Friday night I was out drinking with Chris and the gang and we ran into our friend Alan in the alley next to Kilowatt. Alan was with some guy whom he introduced as Jason. Then Alan was all, "Jason, this is the guy that I was telling you about, that is always singing Silver Jews lyrics." Then he turned to me and said, "Jason is the lead singer of a band that I think you like." I took one look at Jason, realized who he was, and was all, "SWEEEEEET. YOU'RE JASON LYTLE!" Mr. Justin was a bit too inebriated to go with the play-it-cool-subtlety thing. I even dorked out and told him that I put Grandaddy as the first band on the indie rock mix CD that I made for all my little summer school cholos. Good times...

"If you keep talking smack, I will hit you so hard you'll have your next period through your nose."
--Brooke, One Tree Hill

"Sometimes I feel that if there was an enema for writing, my writing would improve tenfold. And I hope this class does just that."
--Controversial Senior in my Advanced Comp class

This week's That Guy is a childhood douche-bag favorite. Best known for raiding Barry Manilow's wardrobe, Paul Gleason has been doing his damn thing FOR EV ER.

Claims to fame include playing college football at FSU with Burt Reynolds, being friends with Jack Kerouac (who you couldn’t pay me to read another book by), and marrying Monty Hall's daughter (who the fuck Monty Hall is, I don’t know. But I recognized his daughter as a That-Girl-That Guy--oi, my first That Guy couple).

His roles include:
Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love (which came out not only in 3-D, but also with scratch and sniff cards to be "smelled" at appropriate times throughout the film)
Boiling Point
Die Hard
Johnny Be Good (Yes! Anthony Michael Hall finally gets to play a cool guy)
Morgan Stewart's Coming Home (Remember John Cryer as an undercover detective? Good times...)
Ewoks: The Battle for Endor (Exploitation, check)
The Breakfast Club (I read in an article that there was no punchline for the unfinished joke, FYI)
Trading Places (Feeling good, Louis)
Tender Mercies (A movie that makes me cry like a baby)
Fort Apache the Bronx (Sigh, Pam Grier)
Private Duty Nurses (Tagline: The mouth-to-mouth they give is not CPR!)

He also had a major role (playing himself) in the critically acclaimed documentary: The Making of Bret Michaels. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. Bri G, should we make it a Blockbuster night?

TV appearances include: Malcolm in the Middle, Melrose Place, Seinfeld, The Wonder Years, LA Law, 21 Jump Street (gotta remember to put that on the Netflix queue), Falcon Crest, Miami Vice, The A-Team, Magnum PI, Hardcastle and McCormick, Falcon Crest, Remington Steele, and a fuckload of other shows.

Cougars.

by Justin
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