It was the first day of school, hella early in the morning, and I didn't really feel like making a sandwich at 6:00 AM, especially knowing how many sandwiches were looming in my extended future. I figured I would run out and buy lunch. As with any high school in California, there was a Taco Bell located conveniently nearby. I dashed there for a soft taco and a donut burger (chalupa). Then the weirdest thing on Earth happened--the Taco Bell didn't have Dr. Pepper. What the fuck is that all about? Taco Bell and Dr. Pepper go hand in hand. They are synonymous for fuck's sake. I remember when we were in high school we would go get Dr. Peppers at Taco Bell at lunch and then go back after school to get free refills. As if the Dr. Pepper debacle weren't bad enough, they gave me regular ice cubes. Do only some Taco Bell's have the blessed mini ice cubes? Or is it a thing of the past? I am genuinely concerned about the state of beverage affairs at Taco Bell.

The first week of school is really hard to adjust the bowel movements. My body is not prepared to do its dance at 5:30. I am, however, quick-adapting. Wednesday and Thursday were a bit forced, but by Friday I was already crowning at the smell of my coffee brewing. Good times...

*Wunderkind*

If Beetlejuice and Candyman got into a fight, who do you think would win? Candyman is scarier, but Beetlejuice has so very many tricks up his sleeve...

Since I am a scheming ass SuperJew (another comic book superhero?), I have another one of my schemes to share with you. You go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond (I don't know if we'll have time) and buy really expensive stuff. They allow you to use up to 4-5 of those 20% off coupons, so you can get 4-5 expensive items. Then throw your receipt away. Then go back to the store, go to customer service, and return the items. When they issue you store credit, you receive 100% of the original price of the items. Then you can go back and buy the expensive items that you need again, using 4-5 more of those 20% coupons (I have thousands of them), and you have all the same items that you bought originally, plus a free "20% surplus" worth of credit. I rule.

Another thing that I don't think that I have ever shared with you is the goodness that is Sparks malt liquor energy drink. It is so fucking rad. On a typical Friday night Chris and I will have a few warm up drinks at the pad (I heart pre-drinks. Really hit the ground running, you know?), and then walk down toward 16th Street. On the way, we will stop at a liquor store and grab a couple of Sparks (we prefer Sparks Lite--the blue rimmed can. They now have a super-powered Sparks that has an extra percent alcohol, but 1% is not worth the drop in taste quality). The liquor store guy puts them in a fitted brown paper bag for us, and we are again off and running. They are so very chill to have--keep the buzz up for the 15 minute walk (god forbid we'd lose it), and put a little extra pep in our step via the caffeine (it's always nice to be perky on a Friday night). They taste delicious, feel like they have their own custom made brown bags, and are most inconspicuous (as we walk by the Valencia Police Station on our way to 16th).

In our most recent Sparks adventure, Chris and I showed up too early for a party, so we walked to the nearest Safeway to buy some Sparks (never before purchased at a non liquor store). Merits mentioning that the Safeway was in Oakland and it was Friday night, so there was of course only one check stand open and like 20 people in line ahead of us (I ain't even exaggerating this time, I swear). I made the executive decision that I was thirsty and it was time to start Sparksin' it up in line at Safeway. We'd of course already had our pre-drinks, so we were on the giggly side for a couple of guys in line at Safeway, drinking from uncovered, open containers. Needless to say, by the time we finally got to the check stand, the cashier scanned two empty Sparks cans. The upset was that they only sold them there in 6 packs, so we had to go buy the other 4. Our in line impulse buy was Slim Jims (I hadn't had one in FOR EV ER, although Chris had had one more recently). We walked back to the party and hid in the corner of the front yard by the trash cans and ate our Slim Jims...

I was trying to explain to a high school kid what foie gras tastes like, and I described it as "meat butter." Which is cool.

Do you ever feel like being irreverent? Me too.

Ken gave me a really easy set up (to make fun of him), and I said, "Jesus. Why don't you pitch it underhand?"

Later, I was with Amber and she asked me what it was like to hook-up with a fat chick. I said, "Easy," and I made the underhanded pitch gesture.

Don't you love those random moments when you are somewhere and you stop and notice that it is just totally silent? You can't hear anything. I really like that. It's kind of weird, and you start to realize how much crap fills your ears usually. Poor ears (usually).

You know that jolt you sometimes get when you are at that last precipice of sleep that is sometimes so pronounced that it makes you all-the-way jump and wake up? I call it the sleep orgasm. I think everybody does the sleep orgasm, at least occasionally. Right?

Remember those little black plastic things that people would put over their eyes for tanning?

If I were the king, I wouldn't be so hoighty toighty, hiding behind my castle walls and my bureaucratic minions, or have any of those weird Sly Stallone rules where you couldn't look at me when you saw me. When you saw King Justin walking down the street, you could say, "What's up Justin" or "Hey" or even just give me the dudely head nod, no worries.

I was totally planning on getting my car windows tinted this summer until I found out that it would be $175. Then I decided not to. But what I was thinking would be pimperific is if I could get a Louis Vuitton tint print on the windows. That, my friend, would be worth $175.

I described someone the other day as "Not exactly Omega-3 feminine."

Related Thought: We need a name for the type of girls whose style is to like rock a men's medium t-shirt. Do you know those girls of which I speak?

My grandma bought my ma this necklace at The Rack and when my ma tried it on, she said that it choked her like a choker. And you wonder where I get it from...

You know what the worst part about seeing a documentary in the theatre is? The previews for other documentaries (=lame). Sweet, a(nother) movie about 9/11. I can't wait.

I've always felt that if cops are just driving around, with no specific thing that they are doing, they should have to provide a free taxi service. That is, if I am walking down the street, I should be able to hail a cop car to give me a ride. The big drawback is that it is so hard these days to find a regular cab that will let me smoke inside, I'd imagine that it would be impossible to find a cop car that would let me smoke inside. And an open container of Sparks, forget about it...

You know how lovers like touch each other on the chin and stuff? I hate that. I am just generally not a big fan of being "petted" anywhere above the neck. If you really are feeling affectionate and want to show me that you care, stroke my balls.

I'm like a relatively organized guy (sincerely, I am), but is it weird that I don't feel like I am organized enough to actually use an organizer effectively? Or perhaps it's just not complementary to my organizational style. Or something.

If you had your choice between being a world class skater, surfer, or guitarist, which would you be? And you can't make any money off of it, so don't think along those lines. I might have to go with being a skater (she slept with so many skaters). It is certainly, in my humble opinion, the most practical choice. Being a surfer would be cool too, but then I would have to wake up at like 3:00 in the morning if I ever wanted to surf during the school year. Being a pro level guitarist would be rad, but without being in a band, touring and stuff, it would get me the least laid of the three.

After going sans that guy last week, I offer amends by giving you a Hall of Fame that guy. He usually plays a bad guy and/or a dirt bag, and IMDB actually says that he is known for his "wolf-man like face." He was born in Puerto Rico but moved to New York when he was 15 minutes old (I could make this up?), and now he lives in Vermont. He must be the absolute creepiest looking dude in all of Vermont. I wonder if his kids prefer that mom picks them up from elementary school, so he doesn't scare their classmates. Could you imagine seeing him at a PTA meeting?

Fast Food Nation (Jenn tells me that Fezz is in it)
Harold and Kumar (Doogie Howser+boobies=chill)
Dumb and Dumber
Anger Management ("YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT")
Punch Drunk Love
The Salton Sea (cool tattoos in that one, if you are into that sort of thing)
The Count of Monte Cristo (one of the best books ever--never seen the film)
Traffic
Magnolia
The Bone Collector
Mystery Men (to call it bizarre would be an understatement, but grossly funny)
The Limey
Snake Eyes
Out of Sight
Boogie Nights
The Substitute
Carlito's Way
Black Rain
True Believer (one of my favorite movies when I was a kid--I was so sophisticated, I know)
Crocodile Dundee II (which had literally some of the same jokes/scenes in it as the original)
Batteries Not Included

by Justin
If you want to be added to the mailing list for future columns or if you wanna give me a piece of your mind, hit the link above or email me at justin@cheesepockets.com