If you had a friend that smoked weed it would be funny if you put some of those red pepper flakes that I heart piling on top of my pizza in with their weed. I bet smoking that stuff would hurt like a motherfucker.

I saw that the Major League Baseball comeback player of the year award is sponsored by Viagra. How perfect is that? Don't call it a comeback...

The nicest thing anyone said to me in a long time was when Bert said that he was at Sara's and he had to take a crap, but he held it so that he could get back to his house so that he could crap while reading my or something book.

I was in the parking lot and this really old lady was driving hella slow so I took her out, aggressive driver style. She stopped to try to yell at me, and before I even knew what I was saying, I said, "Your mama" to her. Sweet.

I saw one of my students pouring something from a bottle into her can of soda, so I asked her what she was doing. She said that she was pouring in Root Beer because there wasnt enough flavor in her Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke--it tasted too boring. Fuck, could I make that up? Merits mentioning that all this happened at like 8:15 in the morning.

Jenn says that you can use a website to track your menstrual cycle, and it even gives you the option of receiving a head's up email 5 days before your period starts.
Bonus Question: What do you think I titled the voice memo for this one?
Bonus Answer: .

If you could win any award (from your friends, coworkers, whatever), high school yearbook style, what would you wish you won? I think I wish I'd win Most Sarcastic, or Most Loveable Asshole, or Most Likely to Do It with Your Mom.

There is a guy that worked in an office in the Midwest who got busted for peeing in the office coffee pot and sitting around watching his co-workers drink it for 4 to 6 months. If I were still an office worker, I dont know that I could ever be so casually blasé about drinking office coffee ever again. I figure that in terms of anything "bad," for every person that gets caught, there are somewhere between 2 and 40,000 people that do the same thing and get away with it.

Favorite moments from The Office: Ryan and Toby are in the kitchen room and Ryan has a stick of string cheese. He takes a big bite right off the top of it, and Toby says, "Wow, you really jump right in." Ryan responds, "Yeah, somewhere around the age of 12 I just decided to go for it." Sweet.

Oi, malfeasance for malfeasance's(s) sake.

Would you rather have to throw up all the time or have diarrhea all the time? I think I would have to go with throw up, cuz my 2 hole gets really sore, tired, and chafed if I even have to go to the bathroom a few times in a day...

When I was a kid and I would get throw up or diarrhea sick, my mama would always let me have 7 Up, which was a big deal since we never had soda at the house. Separate from illness, on those rare occasions when we were really "treated" to a 2 liter bottle of generic soda and we drank it all in like 3 hours, it wasnt our fault. It's not like if we always had soda it would always have gone that fast. It's just that it was so exciting, and so many people were hitting that bottle, you couldnt afford to try to make it last. Ken pouring off big ass amounts into these giant plastic mugs (the ones that are Slug Mug style) and RR drinking straight out of the bottle... Well, I drank straight out of the bottle too, but that was different.

Pat Buchanan was on Bill Maher, who is definitely my favorite of all the talk show hosts that I watch with Jenn. One of Pat Buchanan's arguments for closing the borders and deporting Mexicans is that he thinks it is a political conspiracy by the Mexican government to stick the US with the economic burden of having to host these people. First, we are shitty hosts. Second...

This one was Sage's, after I told him about the amazing Silver Jews show that I went to: "Did you know the periodic symbol for Silver is Au? That makes it Au Jews, which is the raddest part of a beef dip sandwich."

The new school year is hard. It's like, you know how there was that movie where the guy and girl were out on their like third date and the guy said something like, "I wish that we could fast forward to that time in the future where we are an old married couple, just totally comfortable with each other, and we know each other so well, and we know what each other are thinking." I always empathized with that idea. The school year is like that too. All these new kids and when we are interacting I just wish we could fast forward to the middle of the year so that all of our interactions could be so much more lively, interpersonal, genuine, and fun. I will say, however, that today a student already answered my question about whether she was following the lesson (mmm, MLA quotations format), and she responded, "Ish." Or should I say, "'Ish'"(69). Heh.

When you look at those typed 69s, it really does make me think that it is an aptly titled position.

I heart sin.

Serendipitous is a word that only girls use. It is just not a tough sounding word.

My kids are fucking hilarious. We were talking about George and Lennie and Curley's wife's hair from Of Mice and Men and I asked them a question about it, and this one kid actually raised his hand and all earnestly said, "Breasts." I asked him to repeat what he said, and sure enough, that was it. Nobody in there, student or teacher, could figure out the connection to the question. But hey, he's 14. When I was 14, I thought about breasts all the time. Actually, some things really are timeless...

Sometimes I see something on The History Channel that looks like it would be interesting. Whenever I try to watch it, I always start off thinking, "This is interesting, but then after like 10 minutes it is boring. Reflections on America's Favorite Condiments: Ketchup comes from China (ketchup is the process; they made fish ketchup and we make tomato ketchup). Also merits mentioning that salsa is the number one condiment, which I primarily think is weird cuz how can you compare salsa to mustard and ketchup. Salsa is like a meal. A salad. Shit fool, if salsa is a salad, then that chip ain't nothing but a crouton (put me down for another analogy). Sincerely though, salsa is food. That having been said, during the salsa story they were showing clips of various Mexican restaurants in Mexico and America, and I saw an overhead view of the so unmistakable way that Tito's Tacos packs a cardboard box with their famous tacos in that open labia, half-wrap style. I was like, "Hmmm." And then in the next shot, there was some happy ass fool eating a taco and he had a Tito's soda cup in front of him.

I was watching Bill Maher with JC (she makes me political and stuff), and he said, "It's not a freak accident when a stingray stings someone." That dude is funny.

I dont know if I have ADD or if I just really, really hate boring stuff/people.

Asked to do descriptive writing of the setting, based on the details from a short story we read, one of my students said that the tea kettle squatted on the stove (=sweet). Another student pointed out that it was personification as well.

According to studies furnished by Jenn, anal is the new oral, at least amongst high school students, as we see a rise in anal (merits mentioning that oral is the new vaginal) sex and a drop in traditional intercourse among said high school students; the upside is a corresponding drop in STDs, AIDS, and pregnancy. Smells Like Teen Spirit.

The streetlights have just been lining up so perfectly for me on my way to the freeway every morning. I've been getting all the way to the freeway on like just 2 red lights. Dont you love it when that happens? Each light you have to stop for is like 30 seconds (or more), so breezing through the whole way saves/gives me several minutes in sum total.

This week's that guyis most well known for playing military dudes, and he specializes in drill sergeant types. He spent 1.5 tours in Vietnam, and was originally supposed to be just the advisor to the actor playing the sergeant in Full Metal Jacket, but he ended up peeing all over the hired actor, so they just gave him the job.
How sweet is this: He was chosen as the first ever celebrity spokesperson for Glock.
Trivia: He plays The Janitor's father (The Janitor is capitalized because that's his actual name on the show) in an episode of Scrubs and House's father in an episode of House. When not a military dude, I guess he is a medical show dad.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
X-Men: Last Stand
Willard
The Salton Sea
Saving Silverman
Some Starship Troopers TV Show (Bert?)
Skipped Parts (great book, didn't know there was a movie of it)
Toy Story 2
Prefontaine
Dead Man Walking
Best of the Best 3
Leaving Las Vegas
Seven (which is actually spelled alternatively: Se7en)
Murder in the First
Weapons of Mass Destruction (the true story of my penis)
Toy Story
Naked Gun 33 1/3
On Deadly Ground (which was actually directed by Steven Segal as well)
Body Snatchers
Toy Soldiers
Fletch Lives
Mississippi Burning
Full Metal Jacket
Apocalypse Now

by Justin
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