I would like to start this column off with a most heartfelt congratulations to my ma and Bob. They got hitched on Sunday, and it was totally wonderful. I might have teased them for the countless hours of TIVOed wedding shows that they watched, but you can't fault them after having experienced the end result. Highlights were staying sober enough to give a successful speech, meeting some cool new family, seeing some cool old family, getting the rest of the way wasted after the speech and freaking my aunt with my brother (from both sides) on the dance floor, Bob singing a song, and the way my mother looked when she danced down the aisle. That was one of the coolest things that I have ever seen in my whole life--we're talking Cool Hand Luke cool, "You're so cool" on a napkin cool, the second time you saw Donnie Darko or Eternal Sunshine cool, "Watch out for that broken glass" cool, "Like an Amber Rose" cool, Claire putting on make-up with no hands cool, the marble bag filled with jewels cool, Brody making that thimble-sized cup of Coke (no ice) last for hours cool, Butch and Sundance cool, Data Analyzing Robot Youth Lifeform cool, the three-tittied hooker from Total Recall cool, "Gunga la gunga" cool, Han clearing Darth off Luke's back cool, that guy from Robocop doing coke off a stripper's tits cool, "I'm your huckleberry" cool, even "Wolverines!" cool...We're talking John McClane and Pootie Tang amalgamated cool.

When I double-checked on IMDB how to spell John McClane's name (nailed it), I saw that the tag line for Die Hard was "It will blow you through the back wall of the theatre!" It doesn’t have much of a ring to it, but it's not a bad sentence to describe the sensation of the first time you saw Die Hard. It's not, however, as cool as my ma dancing down the aisle...

I don’t have to have baby powder for a beach trip, but if it is there, I will rock the fuck out of it. It feels great on my nipples, especially post-boogie board chafing, and it feels simply divine on my balls. When you have baby powder on your balls, you don’t just walk...you glide.

Why are Blacks and Latinos the only people under the age of 40 who buy American-made cars? Is it because America has been so good to them that they want to give back to the economy? I've always wondered about this. Separate from Sage, when was the last time you saw a white person under 40 years of age who drove an American car that was less than 10 years old? It's just the weirdest phenomenon. And while we are talking about cars and sweeping generalities, how much would it suck to be one of those chicks who sacrifices targeting a quality automobile in favor of a "cute" automobile, and why does this so often lead them to Volkswagons?

The best diss I heard last school year was when one of my kids said, "That's so dial up."

I made up this joke whilst debating what to do with some Ikea furniture that had taken a bit of a beating--I was contemplating whether or not to attempt to repair it. I decided that if it ain't oak, don’t try to fix it.

We all laugh at ourselves--lord knows I do--but if you are consistently the only one laughing, either you ain't funny or your friends are retarded. It's a real toss of the coin.

When people say, "The wise old owl," it always makes me wonder if all the young, dumb owls are still in grad school or something.

There's nothing more rewarding than the moments in teaching like when the students realize how hard it is to kill a first person narrator.

How funny is it when people say "gays"? I don’t know, how funny is it? I don’t know. It just sounds like something out of the homophobic '50s.

You know what makes me nauseous (besides trying to spell nauseous)? The way that my grandma drives. She is one of those people who just can't ever find a single speed at which to drive and maintain. She speeds up to a good speed, but then she lets her foot off the gas and coasts. Once she is starting to go too slow, she hits the gas again, speeds up again, and takes her foot off the gas again. It makes me feel like I am rhythmlessly bobbing my head at an indie rock show. It's really infuriating actually. And it makes me want to throw up my pastrami sandwich all over the place.

You know what sucks? Bicycle seats for the novice tushy. I road all the way down the bike path to the beach, with minimal tushy agitation, lamped on the beach, swam for a bit, and was feeling good. The second my ass hit the seat for the ride home, I was fucking dying.

Sucks to your ass-marr.

If there is a worse movie on earth to try to nosh to than Saw III, I don’t know what it is...and I don’t want to know.

I don’t even really know what to say about it, but I think you should know: I have been officially censored from being allowed to fart at the dinner table when I'm in Culver City. I'm like a repressed artist in the Soviet Union or something. Oi, fart art.

I keep having these crazy sex dreams--I've had 3 in the last 2 weeks--where these super-hot chicks want to do it with me, but the only problem is that we are at the beach and they only want to do it right there, in the gross Venice Beach public bathrooms. I've begged them to go do it with me anywhere else, but each one of them has been like, "The public bathroom, take it or leave it." Sad panda. Merits mentioning that I've woken up from each one before actually being forced to choose. It does, however, promote an interesting question. In real life, if you could do it with a super-hot chick but it would have to be in a ridiculously disgusting place like that, would you? I probably would too.

The Lord Giveth and The Lord Taketh Away: LA has the most beautiful people on earth, but then 8 out of 10 of them are whores, dumb as rocks, or wear the silliest fucking outfits that seem to actively attempt to negate the original hotness.

I saw an LA hipster guy wearing a wife beater pulled down like how we let our overalls hang in the late '80s/early '90s. Either you get the visual or you don’t.

The difference between San Francisco and LA: In San Francisco the girls with the Pat Benitar haircuts drive fixie, single speed bikes and in Los Angeles the girls with the Pat Benitar haircuts drive Mercedes Benzes. What they do have in common is that they appear to have nothing to do on any given weekday except for walk/ride/drive around with their Pat Benitar haircuts; they seemingly never work. I wonder if the government subsidizes them with some hipster equivalent of unemployment for their unfortunate haircuts.

Another brilliant multi-million dollar idea: How about if you linked up to the blessed IMDB a database that has all the songs that are in every movie. You could start with just the soundtracks, but then you could also add all the incidentals and other songs from films. Then you could search to see who sang what song, and you could do cool sub-searches like to see what is the most used song throughout the history of film.

What are the odds that if the current president were a Democrat and somehow managed to be inversely but equally as bad as Bush, that some crazy redneck Republican from the middle of the country would have assassinated him years ago? 2 to 1?

"Those who don’t agree with me suck cock by choice."
-Deadwood

There is a saying that goes, "You don’t put on a condom unless you are going to fuck." Does that mean that I am the only person who has ever used a condom to jack off? I mean, I've only done it a few times--it is particularly helpful when you are chafed--but it makes clean up a snap (pun). And it provides a nice change of pace, which is imperative to good times for life in general and masturbation in particular. I've been standing-and-masturbating a lot lately. It's chill.

RR found a way to make the Raid Ant and Roach Killer (spray) more effective: combine it with a Bic lighter, turning it into an insect-killing flame thrower.

You know what is a fucking myth? How headphones, on the packaging, advertise that the foam part for the ears, which is always the first part to go (unless you bought some really cheap headphones), are replaceable. How the fuck are they replaceable--if you take them to a tailor? I've never seen a store that sells replacement foam covers for the speaker parts of headphones. Fuckers.

I just saw Superbad, which I enjoyed immensely and would consider purchasing rather than renting when it is available on DVD (and Blu Ray). I am happy to report that one of the scenes in Superbad takes places in my childhood liquor store in Culver City: Mi T Mart. I recognized it instantly. I've only been going there since I was like 8 when I used the pennies that my poppi gave me to buy Nerds and 3 Musketeers. Merits mentioning that in Superbad they also go to my neighborhood mall--also known as the greatest place on earth to buy kicks--Fox Hills Mall. They even showed the 3 Crosstown, which goes from Mi T Mart to Fox Hills. Boo ya.

While we are giving shout outs, I'd also like to say hey to the butt-kitten to end all butt-kittens. Amber's teaching in Colombia for the next two years, which sucks for us, but the good news is everyone gets yayo for Chanukah, which puts us one step closer to the Robocop fantasy.

In honor of the butt-kitten to end all butt-kittens, Amber, I will play the game again:
Butthead
Butthole
Butt's Up
Butt Pirate
Butterfly
Butt Plug
Butt Cheese
Butt Muncher
Buttress
Butters
Buttercup
Butt of the Joke
Button
Get off My Butt
Cigarette Butt
Grinding Butts
Butte
Butting Horns
Kick Butt
Get Your Butt Over Here
Shake Your Butt
Butternut Squash
Butterball
Butterfinger
Butterfish
Butt's On
Buttermilk
And of course,
Butt-Kitten

by Justin
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